Dean Clough

January 31, 2024

Portico Darwin: SF & California Can Be Crazy


<2 Minute Read

Happy Hump Day.  Yes, I am still basking in the glory of Brock "Playground" Purdy and our Niners being Super Bowl-bound, for the 8th time. 

But the haters still be hating, and darn if we don't give the rest of the country good reason. 

And it's not just our perfect weather and even better geography.  Or even our dynastic sports teams.

No:  We also do a lot of foot-shooting.

It is Bill Maher I will credit with observing that, as a rule, the Democratic party should not pursue policies that could be headlines from The Onion.  You know, stuff like this:

But sadly, here are two stories reported in complete seriousness by our fine local paper, the San Francisco Chronicle.

And in a surprise to no one, I have some thoughts.

Trash Can't

This fiasco joined Noe Valley's $1.7 million single-stall public restroom embarrassment in the national news. 

We San Franciscans must have bespoke public trash bins that are 2 to 3 times the cost of standard models!

Said nobody here, ever.

Is the chosen design attractive?  Yes - in fact, I like it quite a bit.  And aren't our current receptacles prone to overflowing and thus exacerbating a problem they're supposed to solve?  Yes.  And doesn't a city with the gravitas of SF deserve esthetically attractive street furniture?  Yes again.

But the process to select a replacement for my beloved SF's 3,000 some-odd trach cans took FIVE YEARS, and cost over a HALF MILLION DOLLARS.  The city had 5 different prototypes made, with some costing $30K or more to produce.

The results?  Well, they picked the one above, but we don't have the money for them any longer. 

And no, that last line is not from The Onion, however ridiculous it may seem.

(Limiting) Speed Kills (Political Careers)

I re-read this several times to make sure I hadn't had one too many Old Fashioneds.  But, alas, it is true and we have the do-gooding and nanny-wannabe, California state senator Scott Weiner, to thank.  And no, that is not a Portico Darwin name; the senator's name is, appropriately, "Weiner."  

As in what a fucking wiener because who comes up with utter nonsense like this?  Scott Weiner does!  He just can't possibly fathom people wanting or needing to go a bit faster than posted speed limits.  So he'll protect us all from ourselves, and create some new regulations!    

Attention, Senator Weiner, who is almost certainly reading this:  As a resident of the state of California, here is a list of things I'd prefer you and your colleagues spend time on:

  1. Any
  2. Thing
  3. Else 
  4. At
  5. All

And Scott (and the unaccountable bureaucrats behind the trashcan madness), try to heed Bill Maher's remarks in the future:  If what you're doing could be a legitimate headline from The Onion, you might want to rethink the whole thing.


Thank you for reading this newsletter.  


Featuring a beautiful version of "California Dreaming," as well as the retiree anthem "Lush Life," here is a Textbook album nobody was expecting upon its 2004 release, The Dana Owens Album.

Fun Fact:  my skinny white ass bumped up against Dana's not-too-skinny and not-white ass on a busy street corner outside of the Salvatore Ferragamo store in Florence, Italy in 2006.  True story!

About Dean Clough